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Ultra-Realistic Fact Based Story
This is a totally believable story I'm about to tell you; of course with some help. I can't be expected to do all the work, can I?
By Steve

Hey guess what? You can't. You should have known that before you picked this option. Your punishment is that you are now on stage in front of a convention of retired bankers and you have to tell jokes so they won't kill you. Good luck.